Saturday, January 4, 2014

2 Months

It's been two months since Sadie was born. It seems impossible that she's already been here for two months and that it's ONLY been two months all at the same time. I feel like she has been a part of our lives forever. I don't know what my days were like when she wasn't in my life.

Sometimes I think back to my pregnancy days and think it's just incredible that the little girl whose face I can't stop staring at and cheeks I can't stop kissing is the same little girl who was kicking away in my belly just 9 weeks ago! You wonder what your baby will look like or be like when you're pregnant but never in my wildest dreams could I have guessed she would be as beautiful and perfect as she is!

Sadie has changed so much since her one month update!
*She's smiling and giggling (on occasion) now - she has the prettiest little smile. It makes my day every single time I see it.

*She does really well at holding her head up for extended periods of time. She doesn't love tummy time, but will suffer through it for a few minutes. She really loves being held on my chest and using her hands to push herself away from me. This is when she really gets that head control practice!

*She turns her head to the sound of my voice. I love laying her on the bed before bath time and moving from one side of her to the other so she will turn her head to me.

*She eats like a champ. I cannot wait for her 2 month appointment next week to see how much she weighs. I'm guessing it's probably about 13 pounds?!

*She's a fantastic sleeper. She seems to have set her own little schedule of falling asleep around 8:30 or 9 and sleeping until 7-7:30 in the morning!!!...Seriously hope I'm not jinxing myself by typing her new "normal" sleep schedule.

*She's starting to love her play mat. She loves the music and the lights.

*She loves looking at the TV, but don't tell her daddy because he thinks she will fry her brain watching TV at this age. :) 

We are still working on getting Sadie to sleep in her crib. I think it just might be a little too early yet. I'm not in a huge hurry for her to be in her own room, but at the same time I don't want her to get too used to sleeping in her Rock N Play. I think within the next few weeks I'll bring the Pack N Play up and try to get her to sleep there, and then try again to transition her to the crib during naps.

Speaking of naps... This little one slept for probably about 2 hours during the day yesterday! Ridiculous! She wouldn't sleep unless she was being held, and again, I don't want her to get used to being held while napping. She was so exhausted by the time 8:30 rolled around. She conked out and didn't even bother waking up when I put her in her sleep sack! She slept a lot more during the day today, but I wasn't feeling well so I just let her sleep on me for most of her naps.We both needed the cuddles I think.

My normally calm and happy baby has been rather fussy this week. According to my Wonder Weeks app she is going through the Patterns Leap where after making this leap she will no longer see the world as a bowl of soup. She will begin to differentiate regular patterns. This leap usually occurs between 7.5 and 9.5 weeks, and she should be able to feel her toys, hold her head up better (check), turn her head towards sounds (check), discover body parts like her hands, and look at patterns like a flickering candle. I hope after making this leap I get my happy girl back!

Here are some of my favorite pictures from our photo shoot today:

 I just love that face!
 One word: Rolls!
Over the photo shoot at this point :o) She still looks cute when she's fussing though!

Thursday, January 2, 2014

A Small Glimmer of Hope

And by small I mean teeny tiny. 

My sadness about having to go back to work continues. Some days I try and convince myself that I can do it, and then I think about Sadie rolling over for the first time while I'm responding to an email from a client who doesn't really truly mean anything to me. I don't want to be responding to those emails while my Sadie Baby is learning new things by the minute! 

The other thing I am struggling with is that in addition to having to work 40 hours a week I'll still have all of the household stuff to do each day/week which is going to take even more time away from Sadie and I (and Matthew). Yes, I could ask Matthew to start helping out around the house. I do ask him sometimes, and sometimes he helps - but let's face it, if you want something done you have to do it yourself (most of the time). The list just keeps scrolling through my head; laundry, grocery shopping, dishes, vacuuming, sweeping, mopping, laundry, laundry, cleaning up after Matthew :o)

I had a not-super-serious talk with the husband about my concerns. I was honest with him and told him that I didn't think it was fair that he would get to basically live out his dream of owning this business but I would never get to do/be what I truly wanted - to stay home to raise my family. I really hesitated telling him this because I never want to feel like I'm pressuring him or nagging him, and by playing the "fair" card, I felt as if I would be doing exactly that. I don't want him to feel like he has to make a huge life change because he feels bad for me ...or something.. I'm not sure if I'm explaining that right. I *think* he heard me this time. Of course we went through the whole "if you seriously wanted to be a stay at home mom we shouldn't have bought a house" or done this-that-and-the-other deal. He's known that this is something I've wanted since we decided we'd have a family together. 

We ended our conversation with him saying he'd talk to his accountant about numbers and that he currently has enough work to make it happen, he just needs to hire more efficient employees so they're able to take on even more work (his words, not mine). I am happy with the way the conversation ended. He heard what I had to say and he knows now what I'm feeling. That's all I can ask for right now. 

We certainly don't have anything set in stone and I'm not sending my employer any sort of notice right now! We still have to discuss this and look at some numbers, but it's on the table! I technically have to work for at least 2 weeks in order to avoid having to pay the full cost for my medical bills anyway. Maybe working those 2 weeks will help me to see that going back to work isn't as bad as I thought it'd be... or not. :) My SIL made a good point - it's not going to get any easier for me if I have the attitude that I HAVE to work, or that I'm being forced to do something I don't want to do. 

We will see what happens. In the mean time I still have 3.5 more weeks at home with my little love!

Also, can it really be 2014 already? I don't even know how that happened! 

Here are some pictures from our 2013 Holiday season! 

Matthew's Birthday Dinner 
Sadie's first time meeting Santa! 
Christmas Eve 
Sadie and I on Christmas Day


Tuesday, December 17, 2013

Kidney Update

Way back on 12/3 we went to Children's Hospital for a follow up ultrasound on Sadie's kidney and I'm just now getting around to blogging about it. Man, babies keep you busy!

We had an ultrasound while we were still in the hospital and they said that everything looked fine. Apparently they don't know anything about anything.

We started off in the ultrasound area at Children's - her ultrasound was completed but the tech didn't tell us anything about it - which is normal, just not for me since every ultrasound tech we had through pregnancy would at least give us a little information! She sent the pictures up to the doctor. After the ultrasound was completed we went upstairs to the urology department to meet with the doctor. This was one of the longest days ever. I am pretty sure our appointment was at 10 or so in the morning and we didn't get home until almost 3!

Side note: I successfully nursed in public for the first time in the waiting room at the hospital! Ok, so not technically a super public place, like a restaurant or something, but close enough. There were a lot of people there! We hadn't started Sadie on bottles yet and I was nervous when I realized that this was going to be an all day event because eventually she'd have to eat. Also - I am not very skilled at using my nursing cover yet, so I was also nervous about that but it was a success! I'm pretty proud of myself. I don't think I'll nurse in public often, especially since we've started the little lady on bottles. I guess it's nice to know that the option is there in case she finishes a bottle and is still hungry, or in case I forget to bring a bottle (it'll happen, I know it).

We waited in the waiting room for so long! It was annoying because we'd been there for about an hour an no one had even been called back within that hour! Later I found out that there was basically only one doctor in the office at the time so I can see why the wait was so long.

Finally we got called back and Little Miss was weighed (10.3 pounds, they let her keep her clothes on so I rounded down to 10 pounds). We hung out in a room for a few minutes and the doctor came in and said that her left kidney was still mildly to moderately dilated and that her right kidney was very mildly dilated. Apparently she has a disease called Hydronephrosis which literally means, "water inside the kidney." I was kind of taken aback when he said she has this "disease." It doesn't mean anything to me now because she's still my perfect baby, I just was shocked to hear someone diagnose her with a 'disease'.

The doctor said we don't really know if she has reflux right now (urine going back up into the kidney instead of coming out). We could put her on antibiotics to try to resolve the issue but she'd likely have to be on them for 1-1.5 years. That's a long time to be on antibiotics, everyday. He said that this disease has only been around for as long as ultrasounds have been able to detect it (20-25 years) but babies have been born with it unknowingly for much longer than that. Once the disease was discovered doctors began over treating patients with this disease and now they are trying to go back to only treating when absolutely necessary. Who knows how many babies were born with this prior to ultrasounds being able to detect it, and those kids were just fine. ;o)

The plan is to continue to monitor Sadie's kidneys through ultrasound every 3 months. If nothing changes by the time she's 1 we will continue to get ultrasounds after that once a year. If her kidneys get worse or leave the moderate range it's likely that she'll have a small surgery to correct the issue. Our main concern is that we don't want any permanent damage done to the kidneys. This would most likely come with an infection (kidney, or possibly bladder). We were told to contact our pediatrician and Children's if she gets a fever or just ever is not acting herself - she could still be sick without the fever. He basically told us to be the crazy parents who call each time their child isn't acting like they normally do. I'm glad he gave us permission (so far we haven't had to call but I do second guess myself all the time - she just blinked 4 times in 30 seconds, is she not acting herself today?!) to be the crazy parents.

Other updates:

Sadie was 10.5 pounds at her 1 month appointment on 12/6! She's my little chunk! Her 2 month goal is to be making eye contact with us and socially smiling. I think there may have been one more goal in there, but I forgot what it is. I think she's doing it already, whatever it is. She has started smiling more, and giggling, but it's only ever been at us (or someone) a few times. Normally it's still in her sleep or at the ghosties on the walls over my shoulders. Her next appointment is in a few weeks, more shots. Curious to see what her weight will be this time!

I have my postpartum appointment tomorrow. I'm really nervous for it - that's all I'll say about that.

Last update:


Thursday, December 12, 2013

... I got the call...

Yesterday the eligibility vendor from work called to inform me that my return to work date for my short term disability claim would be MONDAY. Yes, Monday, as in 4 days away. Luckily I still have 6 additional weeks of "bonding leave" available to me which I am happily taking which means I won't have to go back to work until the end of January. It just really started to sink in that being with my baby 24 hours a day 7 days a week isn't going to last forever.

I spent most of the evening snuggling my little girl and crying my eyes out because I don't see how it'll ever be possible to leave her for 8+ hours a day, 40+ hours a week, 5 out of 7 days a week. I just don't think I am strong enough to be able to leave her for that long. What if she needs me? What if her babysitter can't calm her? What if she gets scared or doesn't feel well and just wants her mama? What if she's not acting herself or gets a fever and the sitter doesn't call me so I can alert her pediatrician and Children's Hospital (this would be due to her Hydronephrosis - post coming soon). What if her mama cries all the time at work because she can't bear to be away from the best thing that ever happened to her?

It's a good thing Matthew wasn't home while this was happening because he wouldn't have been happy with these shenanigans. He says, "You can do it. Women do it all the time." Yes. They do. Lots of women go back to work and enjoy it and are wonderful mommies and have a great work/life/mommy balance. I just can't be one of those people. I cannot fathom someone else seeing my baby roll over for the first time, or sit up on her own, crawl... take her first steps. These are all "firsts" that I risk missing out on for someone else to see because I have to go to work. I don't think Matthew understands that.

If you really get down to it, I'll have about 15 hours of awake time with my Sadie girl during the week. She'll likely still be sleeping when I leave for work in the morning and once I get off work, get her picked up from the sitter and back home we'll have probably only 3 hours before it's time for bed. Yes, I'll have two weekend days to spend with her, but that's just not enough.

The one and only thing I've ever wanted to be in my life is a mom and I feel like once I go back to work I won't fully get to be the mom I want to be.

To add to my sad, poor me night, someone posted THIS BLOG POST on Facebook. It was beautiful and well written, but I shouldn't have read it last night of all nights. I feel this exact same way. I miss my little girl when she's just inches away from me. I look at her pictures when she's sleeping and just want to run to her and hold her and smell her sweetness and give her one hundred more kisses.

I'm thinking of some get-rich-quick schemes so that I can get rich quick and not have to go back to work in 6 weeks. Suggestions are welcome.

In all honesty, I secretly want my husband to sell his business so he can get a more stable job/career so I can stay home with my girl. This is incredibly selfish of me because he loves what he does, he loves owning a business and being his own boss, but I want to love what I do too and what I'd love to do is be a stay-at-home-mom. We've discussed possible options for the future but I feel like that's all it is. Discussions. Nothing would ever actually come of these discussions because for me they're just dreams, and for him it's just "something to think about." Not seriously though. 

Truth be told, I can't do it. I just can't.

Plain and simple, leaving my daughter is going to be the absolute hardest thing I've ever had to do and I don't know how to prepare myself for it.

For now, I am enjoying every second with her but it's hard not to think about this special time ending, having our lives disrupted by that little thing called work.

Leaving you with this so I can go watch my beautiful little girl sleep so sweetly.

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

Say It Ain't So...

Someone please tell me my baby isn't already ONE month old! Weren't we just on our way home from the hospital yesterday?

This has been a crazy whirlwind of a month. Yesterday I was thinking about what my life was like before Sadie was here. I can't even remember what we did in our free time. I don't have any free time now it seems, and that's ok with me!

Here are some of my favorite pictures from today:

I love the faces this little girl makes. I think she thinks her dad is crazy when he blows raspberries on her belly!

She's still loving getting her hair washed and really likes bath time now that we can actually put her in the water instead of just giving her a sponge bath. Her cord is completely gone as of 11/27.

If she's fussy all she needs is for dad to hold her straight up and down and she's happy (and usually asleep) again in seconds.

She loves white noise and so long as she actually lets me shower long enough to wash my hair she'll fall asleep to the sound of the hair dryer. I'm so thankful my SIL recommended (and got us as a shower gift) as awesome white noise machine! Although she's not sleeping in her own room yet it does come in handy after night time feedings trying to get her back to sleep.

She had her first Thanksgiving at grandma and grandpa Dickson's and at her uncle and aunt's house as well. She got tons of attention from her 4 year old cousin, Ethan, which really surprised everyone since he has never been into babies. She was pretty fussy by the time we got to my brother's house and Ethan thought he'd have the magic touch. He kept saying, "Just put it in my lap. C'mon, just put it in my lap!" He also thought playing "Teek-a-boo" would get her to calm down. It was so sweet.

Here is E playing peek-a-boo with Sadie :o)
At Sadie's last doctor's appointment she was 8 pounds on the dot. Exactly one week later I took her for a free weigh check at the women's center and she had gained 15 ounces! After that I decided that breastfeeding was going well and that I'd keep it up. I haven't had any serious freak outs since then about whether or not my supply was good enough because it seems to be doing the job. We had Sadie's follow up ultrasound and met with the urologist at Children's Hospital yesterday and they weighed her (with clothes and diaper on) at 10.3 pounds. I rounded down to 10 pounds since she had clothes and a wet diaper. My baby likes to eat. 
Sadie has been nicknamed Cheeks. We love her cheeks and kiss and squeeze them {gently} thousands of times a day. 
She is currently sleeping 3.5-4 hours at night with random surprises of 5 hour stretches. Love those! She normally gets up around 3 and I definitely don't mind that feeding. It's very easy for me to get up and change her and feed her. She generally falls right back to sleep after. The issue I have is the next feeding. Usually between 6-8. I, for the life of me, cannot get out of bed at the feeding and usually ask Matt to change her diaper and bring her back to bed to eat. He usually takes her after this session and I go back to sleep. I love that man. There have been times when I've gone back to sleep at 7-7:30 and he let's me sleep until 10! Are you serious? How wonderful! 
We have lots of fun events coming up. We're meeting Santa on Saturday - we'll meet him two other times before the season is over! And on Sunday we have Sadie's cousins first birthday party! Wahoo! We're waiting on the arrival of a new baby girl cousin in January and a baby boy cousin in February! We can't wait to meet these babies! 
Leaving you with these: 


Monday, November 25, 2013

Sadie Marie - 3 Weeks

Today I spent the majority of my day cuddling my sweet Sadie-Bug. I didn't get the laundry done, I didn't do the dishes in the sink. I didn't shower until my husband came home from work. I just held my sweet 3 week old baby - mostly because I can't get enough of her, but also because she was being a fussy buns today :)

I love her squishy lips in this picture

*Sadie enjoys baths in her bathtub - so much better than the sponge-type baths we had to do before.
*She loves to be held up right, if cradling her has her fussing holding her completely vertical will almost always get her to quiet down.
*She loves napping and being rocked in her glider.
*She loves to cluster feed in the evenings - I'm thankful she doesn't do it in the middle of the night!
*She LOVES car rides!

Although the weather is becoming unbearably cold (yes, I said it's unbearably cold and it's not even December), we're going to try to venture out a couple of times a week. I think I'll walk around the mall with her, we need to go to the grocery store, and I have some gift cards that need to be used for no particular reason other than shopping is fun, I also have some crafty projects I want to complete as well - 1 in particular for Sadie's room! 

One of my favorite things to do these days is to watch her sleep. Even though it's just a reflex right now, my heart just melts when I see her smile or giggle in her sleep. It gives me a glimpse of what her smile will be like in a couple of months when she's doing it for real!

I can't believe next week I'll be doing a 1 month post! Sadie has her first holiday this week - Thanksgiving! We have lots of family who still haven't met her and will finally get to meet her on Thursday! We also have her kidney ultrasound next Tuesday. I'm anxious to find out what the outcome is, although with as much as this baby pees, I can't imagine it'll be anything other than a passing grade :)

Must Have Monday

Today I'm linking up with Lindsey over at the Crafty Practitioner blog for Must Have Monday:

The Crafty Practitioner 
Here are my current must haves: 

I must have these burgundy shoes. Sadly I cannot locate them on the H&M website! 
This 55-300mm zoom lens is on my Amazon Wish List. We'll see if my husband notices :) 

A girl at work turned me on to this Blistex Revive & Restore balm. I just purchased my own from Amazon! 

I want this Northface Crescent Sunset Hoodie because it looks so comfy! This is also on my Amazon wish list ;) 
This cute watch it from VintageLovers2012 Etsy shop and could very well be my Christmas gift to myself!