Thursday, December 12, 2013

... I got the call...

Yesterday the eligibility vendor from work called to inform me that my return to work date for my short term disability claim would be MONDAY. Yes, Monday, as in 4 days away. Luckily I still have 6 additional weeks of "bonding leave" available to me which I am happily taking which means I won't have to go back to work until the end of January. It just really started to sink in that being with my baby 24 hours a day 7 days a week isn't going to last forever.

I spent most of the evening snuggling my little girl and crying my eyes out because I don't see how it'll ever be possible to leave her for 8+ hours a day, 40+ hours a week, 5 out of 7 days a week. I just don't think I am strong enough to be able to leave her for that long. What if she needs me? What if her babysitter can't calm her? What if she gets scared or doesn't feel well and just wants her mama? What if she's not acting herself or gets a fever and the sitter doesn't call me so I can alert her pediatrician and Children's Hospital (this would be due to her Hydronephrosis - post coming soon). What if her mama cries all the time at work because she can't bear to be away from the best thing that ever happened to her?

It's a good thing Matthew wasn't home while this was happening because he wouldn't have been happy with these shenanigans. He says, "You can do it. Women do it all the time." Yes. They do. Lots of women go back to work and enjoy it and are wonderful mommies and have a great work/life/mommy balance. I just can't be one of those people. I cannot fathom someone else seeing my baby roll over for the first time, or sit up on her own, crawl... take her first steps. These are all "firsts" that I risk missing out on for someone else to see because I have to go to work. I don't think Matthew understands that.

If you really get down to it, I'll have about 15 hours of awake time with my Sadie girl during the week. She'll likely still be sleeping when I leave for work in the morning and once I get off work, get her picked up from the sitter and back home we'll have probably only 3 hours before it's time for bed. Yes, I'll have two weekend days to spend with her, but that's just not enough.

The one and only thing I've ever wanted to be in my life is a mom and I feel like once I go back to work I won't fully get to be the mom I want to be.

To add to my sad, poor me night, someone posted THIS BLOG POST on Facebook. It was beautiful and well written, but I shouldn't have read it last night of all nights. I feel this exact same way. I miss my little girl when she's just inches away from me. I look at her pictures when she's sleeping and just want to run to her and hold her and smell her sweetness and give her one hundred more kisses.

I'm thinking of some get-rich-quick schemes so that I can get rich quick and not have to go back to work in 6 weeks. Suggestions are welcome.

In all honesty, I secretly want my husband to sell his business so he can get a more stable job/career so I can stay home with my girl. This is incredibly selfish of me because he loves what he does, he loves owning a business and being his own boss, but I want to love what I do too and what I'd love to do is be a stay-at-home-mom. We've discussed possible options for the future but I feel like that's all it is. Discussions. Nothing would ever actually come of these discussions because for me they're just dreams, and for him it's just "something to think about." Not seriously though. 

Truth be told, I can't do it. I just can't.

Plain and simple, leaving my daughter is going to be the absolute hardest thing I've ever had to do and I don't know how to prepare myself for it.

For now, I am enjoying every second with her but it's hard not to think about this special time ending, having our lives disrupted by that little thing called work.

Leaving you with this so I can go watch my beautiful little girl sleep so sweetly.

1 comment:

  1. Oh, Mandy. I just want to give you a HUGE hug because I know exactly how you're feeling. I wish so bad that I could find a house in Powell and be Sadie's babysitter! I know there's nothing that I can say that will comfort you but please know I'm here for you any time you need anything! Big hugs!