My sadness about having to go back to work continues. Some days I try and convince myself that I can do it, and then I think about Sadie rolling over for the first time while I'm responding to an email from a client who doesn't really truly mean anything to me. I don't want to be responding to those emails while my Sadie Baby is learning new things by the minute!
The other thing I am struggling with is that in addition to having to work 40 hours a week I'll still have all of the household stuff to do each day/week which is going to take even more time away from Sadie and I (and Matthew). Yes, I could ask Matthew to start helping out around the house. I do ask him sometimes, and sometimes he helps - but let's face it, if you want something done you have to do it yourself (most of the time). The list just keeps scrolling through my head; laundry, grocery shopping, dishes, vacuuming, sweeping, mopping, laundry, laundry, cleaning up after Matthew :o)
I had a not-super-serious talk with the husband about my concerns. I was honest with him and told him that I didn't think it was fair that he would get to basically live out his dream of owning this business but I would never get to do/be what I truly wanted - to stay home to raise my family. I really hesitated telling him this because I never want to feel like I'm pressuring him or nagging him, and by playing the "fair" card, I felt as if I would be doing exactly that. I don't want him to feel like he has to make a huge life change because he feels bad for me ...or something.. I'm not sure if I'm explaining that right. I *think* he heard me this time. Of course we went through the whole "if you seriously wanted to be a stay at home mom we shouldn't have bought a house" or done this-that-and-the-other deal. He's known that this is something I've wanted since we decided we'd have a family together.
We ended our conversation with him saying he'd talk to his accountant about numbers and that he currently has enough work to make it happen, he just needs to hire more efficient employees so they're able to take on even more work (his words, not mine). I am happy with the way the conversation ended. He heard what I had to say and he knows now what I'm feeling. That's all I can ask for right now.
We certainly don't have anything set in stone and I'm not sending my employer any sort of notice right now! We still have to discuss this and look at some numbers, but it's on the table! I technically have to work for at least 2 weeks in order to avoid having to pay the full cost for my medical bills anyway. Maybe working those 2 weeks will help me to see that going back to work isn't as bad as I thought it'd be... or not. :) My SIL made a good point - it's not going to get any easier for me if I have the attitude that I HAVE to work, or that I'm being forced to do something I don't want to do.
We will see what happens. In the mean time I still have 3.5 more weeks at home with my little love!
Also, can it really be 2014 already? I don't even know how that happened!
Here are some pictures from our 2013 Holiday season!
Matthew's Birthday Dinner
Sadie's first time meeting Santa!
Sadie and I on Christmas Day