... I got the call...

Yesterday the eligibility vendor from work called to inform me that my return to work date for my short term disability claim would be MONDAY. Yes, Monday, as in 4 days away. Luckily I still have 6 additional weeks of "bonding leave" available to me which I am happily taking which means I won't have to go back to work until the end of January. It just really started to sink in that being with my baby 24 hours a day 7 days a week isn't going to last forever.

I spent most of the evening snuggling my little girl and crying my eyes out because I don't see how it'll ever be possible to leave her for 8+ hours a day, 40+ hours a week, 5 out of 7 days a week. I just don't think I am strong enough to be able to leave her for that long. What if she needs me? What if her babysitter can't calm her? What if she gets scared or doesn't feel well and just wants her mama? What if she's not acting herself or gets a fever and the sitter doesn't call me so I can alert her pediatrician and Children's Hospital (this would be due to her Hydronephrosis - post coming soon). What if her mama cries all the time at work because she can't bear to be away from the best thing that ever happened to her?

It's a good thing Matthew wasn't home while this was happening because he wouldn't have been happy with these shenanigans. He says, "You can do it. Women do it all the time." Yes. They do. Lots of women go back to work and enjoy it and are wonderful mommies and have a great work/life/mommy balance. I just can't be one of those people. I cannot fathom someone else seeing my baby roll over for the first time, or sit up on her own, crawl... take her first steps. These are all "firsts" that I risk missing out on for someone else to see because I have to go to work. I don't think Matthew understands that.

If you really get down to it, I'll have about 15 hours of awake time with my Sadie girl during the week. She'll likely still be sleeping when I leave for work in the morning and once I get off work, get her picked up from the sitter and back home we'll have probably only 3 hours before it's time for bed. Yes, I'll have two weekend days to spend with her, but that's just not enough.

The one and only thing I've ever wanted to be in my life is a mom and I feel like once I go back to work I won't fully get to be the mom I want to be.

To add to my sad, poor me night, someone posted THIS BLOG POST on Facebook. It was beautiful and well written, but I shouldn't have read it last night of all nights. I feel this exact same way. I miss my little girl when she's just inches away from me. I look at her pictures when she's sleeping and just want to run to her and hold her and smell her sweetness and give her one hundred more kisses.

I'm thinking of some get-rich-quick schemes so that I can get rich quick and not have to go back to work in 6 weeks. Suggestions are welcome.



In all honesty, I secretly want my husband to sell his business so he can get a more stable job/career so I can stay home with my girl. This is incredibly selfish of me because he loves what he does, he loves owning a business and being his own boss, but I want to love what I do too and what I'd love to do is be a stay-at-home-mom. We've discussed possible options for the future but I feel like that's all it is. Discussions. Nothing would ever actually come of these discussions because for me they're just dreams, and for him it's just "something to think about." Not seriously though. 

Truth be told, I can't do it. I just can't.

Plain and simple, leaving my daughter is going to be the absolute hardest thing I've ever had to do and I don't know how to prepare myself for it.

For now, I am enjoying every second with her but it's hard not to think about this special time ending, having our lives disrupted by that little thing called work.

Leaving you with this so I can go watch my beautiful little girl sleep so sweetly.

Say It Ain't So...

Someone please tell me my baby isn't already ONE month old! Weren't we just on our way home from the hospital yesterday?

This has been a crazy whirlwind of a month. Yesterday I was thinking about what my life was like before Sadie was here. I can't even remember what we did in our free time. I don't have any free time now it seems, and that's ok with me!

Here are some of my favorite pictures from today:

I love the faces this little girl makes. I think she thinks her dad is crazy when he blows raspberries on her belly!

She's still loving getting her hair washed and really likes bath time now that we can actually put her in the water instead of just giving her a sponge bath. Her cord is completely gone as of 11/27.

If she's fussy all she needs is for dad to hold her straight up and down and she's happy (and usually asleep) again in seconds.

She loves white noise and so long as she actually lets me shower long enough to wash my hair she'll fall asleep to the sound of the hair dryer. I'm so thankful my SIL recommended (and got us as a shower gift) as awesome white noise machine! Although she's not sleeping in her own room yet it does come in handy after night time feedings trying to get her back to sleep.

She had her first Thanksgiving at grandma and grandpa Dickson's and at her uncle and aunt's house as well. She got tons of attention from her 4 year old cousin, Ethan, which really surprised everyone since he has never been into babies. She was pretty fussy by the time we got to my brother's house and Ethan thought he'd have the magic touch. He kept saying, "Just put it in my lap. C'mon, just put it in my lap!" He also thought playing "Teek-a-boo" would get her to calm down. It was so sweet.

Here is E playing peek-a-boo with Sadie :o)

 

At Sadie's last doctor's appointment she was 8 pounds on the dot. Exactly one week later I took her for a free weigh check at the women's center and she had gained 15 ounces! After that I decided that breastfeeding was going well and that I'd keep it up. I haven't had any serious freak outs since then about whether or not my supply was good enough because it seems to be doing the job. We had Sadie's follow up ultrasound and met with the urologist at Children's Hospital yesterday and they weighed her (with clothes and diaper on) at 10.3 pounds. I rounded down to 10 pounds since she had clothes and a wet diaper. My baby likes to eat. 

 

Sadie has been nicknamed Cheeks. We love her cheeks and kiss and squeeze them {gently} thousands of times a day. 

 

She is currently sleeping 3.5-4 hours at night with random surprises of 5 hour stretches. Love those! She normally gets up around 3 and I definitely don't mind that feeding. It's very easy for me to get up and change her and feed her. She generally falls right back to sleep after. The issue I have is the next feeding. Usually between 6-8. I, for the life of me, cannot get out of bed at the feeding and usually ask Matt to change her diaper and bring her back to bed to eat. He usually takes her after this session and I go back to sleep. I love that man. There have been times when I've gone back to sleep at 7-7:30 and he let's me sleep until 10! Are you serious? How wonderful! 

 

We have lots of fun events coming up. We're meeting Santa on Saturday - we'll meet him two other times before the season is over! And on Sunday we have Sadie's cousins first birthday party! Wahoo! We're waiting on the arrival of a new baby girl cousin in January and a baby boy cousin in February! We can't wait to meet these babies! 

 

Leaving you with these: 

 

 

Sadie Marie - 3 Weeks

Today I spent the majority of my day cuddling my sweet Sadie-Bug. I didn't get the laundry done, I didn't do the dishes in the sink. I didn't shower until my husband came home from work. I just held my sweet 3 week old baby - mostly because I can't get enough of her, but also because she was being a fussy buns today :)

I love her squishy lips in this picture

*Sadie enjoys baths in her bathtub - so much better than the sponge-type baths we had to do before.
*She loves to be held up right, if cradling her has her fussing holding her completely vertical will almost always get her to quiet down.
*She loves napping and being rocked in her glider.
*She loves to cluster feed in the evenings - I'm thankful she doesn't do it in the middle of the night!
*She LOVES car rides!

Although the weather is becoming unbearably cold (yes, I said it's unbearably cold and it's not even December), we're going to try to venture out a couple of times a week. I think I'll walk around the mall with her, we need to go to the grocery store, and I have some gift cards that need to be used for no particular reason other than shopping is fun, I also have some crafty projects I want to complete as well - 1 in particular for Sadie's room! 

One of my favorite things to do these days is to watch her sleep. Even though it's just a reflex right now, my heart just melts when I see her smile or giggle in her sleep. It gives me a glimpse of what her smile will be like in a couple of months when she's doing it for real!

I can't believe next week I'll be doing a 1 month post! Sadie has her first holiday this week - Thanksgiving! We have lots of family who still haven't met her and will finally get to meet her on Thursday! We also have her kidney ultrasound next Tuesday. I'm anxious to find out what the outcome is, although with as much as this baby pees, I can't imagine it'll be anything other than a passing grade :)

Must Have Monday

Today I'm linking up with Lindsey over at the Crafty Practitioner blog for Must Have Monday:

 

Here are my current must haves: 

I must have these burgundy shoes. Sadly I cannot locate them on the H&M website! 

This 55-300mm zoom lens is on my Amazon Wish List. We'll see if my husband notices :) 

A girl at work turned me on to this Blistex Revive & Restore balm. I just purchased my own from Amazon! 

I want this Northface Crescent Sunset Hoodie because it looks so comfy! This is also on my Amazon wish list ;) 

This cute watch it from VintageLovers2012 Etsy shop and could very well be my Christmas gift to myself! 

 

Silly First Time Mom Stuff

Sadie got her first 2 pieces of mail today :o) one was for her ultrasound appointment confirmation, and one was her social security card. I have been sitting here for the last 20 minutes practicing writing her name in cursive so it looks good when I sign it! She's going to have this thing until she gets married and changes her name, it needs to look good!

Matthew took Sadie out to dinner with his family (I stayed home - not feeling great). I may have teared up a bit after they left. I miss my girl (and my husband).

I'm watching Say Yes To The Dress because Friday is Bride Day. I'm totally excited for when Sadie wants to watch these shows with me!

While breastfeeding was incredibly difficult (this deserves a post of its own) after we got home from the hospital, I'm so glad I didn't give up on it. I love nursing that sweet little girl - even at 3am.

Sadie sometimes giggles in her sleep. It's the cutest thing ever. 

I leave you with this. I love that little face!!! 

Time flies

How is my sweet girl already 2 weeks old?! I don't understand how time could possibly be going so fast! Although we don't do much during the day, the hours fly by and now the days and weeks are too. :o(

Sadie is 2 weeks old today and I fall more in love every minute I spend with her. I love her sweet little face and I can't stop kissing those soft little cheeks!!

Little Miss likes sleeping on daddy's chest in the recliner and listening to him play the piano (we can't wait for him to learn more kid songs)! She loves sleeping with her hands over her face and going for car rides. She's never phased by loud noises like someone knocking on the door, Teddy's bark, or the hair dryer- but sometimes startles when she makes noises while sucking on her hands :) She likes being rocked in the glider. Although she's not a fan of her sponge baths she absolutely loves having her hair washed (just like mommy)! She very rarely cries and we can pretty easily figure out what's wrong if she is crying.

Sadie's 1 Week Picture!

I technically should have posted this on Monday, but since I hadn't posted her birth story yet I figured I should probably wait!

We may have to change some things around for her weekly/monthly pictures because I'm not sure I love this. I mean she obviously makes the picture but I don't know about the chalkboard. I had originally thought I would do this upstairs in her glider but I was in a hurry so I thought this will have to do for Monday's picture!

Here's another picture I just can't resist sharing right now.

I love how she's sleeping with her arms above her head.

And of course, I can't stop sharing pics of the poodle.

After a much needed hair cut! <3